To all the text I’ve loved before

Recently I’ve been pining for my early days on the World Wide Web.  Let me explain.  Not too long after Jason and I got engaged we got a used computer from his mom’s employer during a sale.  We paid $25 for it.

Ring on my finger I began to explore planning  a wedding online and stumbled across a site where I quickly became a member and met a group of girls who I bonded with.

We were all a little ‘different’ .  We enjoyed geekier things, like Sci-Fi, conventions, gaming and comic books.  We didn’t fit into the pale pink and champaign ladies.  We tended to be easy to amuse and hard to offend, though we did sometimes offend.  It all came to a head not long after Jason and I got married, there were bannings, large posts placed all over the site to be quickly removed by the mods.  I honestly can’t remember what the blow up was about in detail but I do remember we got the feeling that if we didn’t play by their rules and if we didn’t conform to the sites idea of a wedding we needed to STFU and GTFO.  So we did.

One of the lovely ladies, Bec, has started a small site we all merged to and a few of us ended up at another site.  The ‘bad girls’ site only whispered about on the wedding board.  We’d found our home.

With these women I went through weddings, infertility, births, deaths, buying a home and other mile stones of life.  We cried with each other, we often helped each other by sending small things or cards.  One of the most touching moments I can recall was right after one of the girls got pregnant.  Jason and I were at the height of trying to get pregnant and she’d seemingly done it easy.   One of the other girls, Lauren was happily talking about the upcoming baby.  Not only was she excited for a friend, it was also her cousin.

I was pretty quiet during the conversation, drinking steadily to avoid the cramps and the reality they brought.  Finally Lauren realized I wasn’t talking much and asked me what was going on and I unloaded.  Not at her but to her.  Not in anger but in sorrow.

The following day someone knocked on my door and I opened it to see a delivery man bearing a large smiling coffee mug with flowers sprouting from it.  Lauren, sweet dear Lauren who did not want children had gotten what others never did.  The emptiness, the loneliness and the hopelessness.  When I thanked her for her beautiful gift she told me that it had clicked with her when she was realizing that buying a house with her husband might take longer than she’d wanted.  In the middle of this it dawned on her that if that’s how she felt about this, how must I feel each month?

These women mean a lot to me.  I balled when little Erin was born in Australia months premature with a tiny chance at life.  I cheered when she went home and continue to cheer on her birthdays.  I stood in stunned shock when her mommy announced that another wee one was in the works.

They threw me an online baby shower when I was pregnant with Kyle, we posted updates through my labor and delivery.  These women stayed up through out the night to be the first to read he’d been born.  I cannot start to explain how that makes me feel.  In fact, I’m trying not to cry right now.

Since Kyle’s birth I’ve not had nearly that much time to spend with my friends.  We’ve moved on from our site and fractured.  I miss them.  I miss the ability to go to a place to vent, away from offending loved ones and just get it off my chest.

Mostly, I miss these ladies.  Each of them is very special to me and I think of them often.  I just don’t take the time to let them know that.


3 thoughts on “To all the text I’ve loved before

  1. It’s so ironic to read this today…I was just talking to Rudy about this same basic thing…With all th ups and downs lately, I miss having someplace like Chatters to go and just vent about everything and anything…and yet, somehow I feel like with most of you ladies it would so easy to just pick up where we left off…

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