How to survive the gossipy family.

This afternoon I’m attending a graduation party for my youngest cousin on my mothers side of the family.  After telling friends my weekend plans I heard a lot of horror stories of the Gossipy Family.  So here’s a survival guild.

1) Want to or not, go to the function.

Remember, the one who isn’t there is the one who’s talked about.  The gossip doesn’t want to talk about you when you’re actually there to defend yourself or get actual facts out.  They want to rip you apart in absentia and make sure everyone else does too.  So even if you don’t want to go and save yourself the pain of dealing with the gossip, do it anyway.

2) Get an ally.

The gossip always wants something from someone.  Find out who and make nice.  This serves two purposes.  First you’ve made a good friend with someone in your family and second the gossip can’t piss you off or risk losing what they want.  If the gossip wants Aunt Mable’s stock in Coke when she passes away make nice with Aunt Mable.  Important tip though, do not want the same thing.  You really need to not care if you get what the gossip wants, money, items, stock or the house.  Aunt Mable will see through it and now you got two people to worry about.

3) Make nice.

While it’s not exactly something you relish doing, make nice with the gossip.  It won’t stop them from talking about you but it will help make sure you’re seen as the nice person in the bunch.

4) Keep your mouth shut.

You don’t want to be seen as the gossip do you?  Eye and ears open, mouth shut.  That takes us to…

5) Have something on the gossip.

Have something on the gossip.  Remember though, it cannot be anything you’ve found out through privileged channels.  So nothing from a law office, doctor’s/hospital ect.  Drop what you know on the gossip in a quiet spot.  Let them know you’re concerned that XYZ is going on and you want to be there to help.  The gossip will be worried that you’ll spill the beans, because hell that’s what they’d do, so they don’t want to rock your boat and talk about you.  This move is risky because the gossip could decide on a pre-emptive strike and out your dirty secrets, or supposed ones, before you can out them.  Use wisely.

And finally

6) Have fun with ’em.

Feed the gossip bad info.  It’s fun to watch.

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