What do I wish for?

Some days I wish for a million dollars.  I don’t need to live the high life, just enough to pay off all our debt, buy a nice condo and have Jason work a job he enjoys rather than one that pays well and for me to stay home with Kyle.  And maybe have another baby.  I don’t wish for enough to travel to all the corners of the earth, for enough to buy designer clothes and eat at fancy places.  Just enough to be secure.

Other days I wish that my body would work as intended.  To not have constant pain, upset tummys, blinding headaches and eyes that worked without the aid of glasses or contacts.

Still others I just wish for a quiet night with maybe Kat and Paul here.  Nothing fancy maybe some pizza and some Mario Party on the Wii.

The last week I’ve wished, and prayed, for patience with Kyle.  I love my son but last night I didn’t like him very much.  He’s such a happy and Independence baby, curious about the world, advanced (like the kid started walking at 9 months) and his giggles are infectious.  But he cannot be left alone for even enough time to go to the bathroom or he’ll play with everything he shouldn’t.  He lies on the cats and squashes them.  He gets clingy and whiny when I try and leave a room.    Worse is his sleep.  He doesn’t want too.

At 5:30 this morning he woke screaming.  I repeated my routine for getting him down the previous night and it worked.  Ok it didn’t go great but he napped, played and let me rock myself and get into that almost sleep state.  But come 6:30, his normal wake up time, there was no way he was going back to sleep.  At that moment I had to ask God to please grant me serenity because I was so tired and he was so not.

Then I got mad at myself.  Instead of taking solace in the fact that he had slept later than normal, that the routine had pretty much worked I was pissed that I had to be awake.

I got him breakfast, sat him in his high chair and went to the bathroom.  When I returned I found that he’d managed to climb out of the chair and was precariously standing with just one foot on it, his hands supporting him on a tv tray that was ready to give from under him.  My heart stopped and I berated myself again.  I know this kid can climb.  I know he should be strapped in but I was so immersed just getting him some breakfast so I could pee I didn’t take a second to think about his safety.

So what do I wish for?  I wish I could be a more selfless mommy


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